My family did a lot of skiing at Mt. Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  I have such great memories of those weekends.  As good Catholics, we could not miss mass on Sunday without committing a mortal sin, so we would all march in to the local parish church for the early service with our “clodhopper” ski boots on and our shabby ski outfits,  ready to hit the slopes right after the 42 minute service.

On Saturday nights, in the old town of Bend, we would go to the cheap movies.  One of those nights, when I was about 11 years old, my two brothers and I were walking back from a movie.  As a car came driving by, someone yelled out some unknown expletive.  Being a smart*** myself,  I immediately I yelled something back.  At once the car spun around and came upon us. Three or four “red necks” jumped out and proceeded to beat up my brother while the two of us looked on.  I felt bad about that…. (Over time I must have imparted this gift to your mother, my wife: I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t feel good unless she feels bad about something. I love her!).

Well, ever since,  I’ve had a problem with talking (or sometimes yelling) too quickly. The problem migrates also into my emails.  I  have this intense addiction to rationalize much of my behavior while at the same time over analyzing any antagonist in order to find fault.  Then I am justified in taking an aggressive posture, which is usually not good.   This process usually concludes with a blasted email or voice mail; sometimes I  initiate an unnecessary debate and the end result is that I get beat up.  I lose. Or in some cases, like my brother in Bend, someone else loses…

So I have made a couple resolutions over the years with some modicum of success:

1.  Never immortalize anything negative in print.  Don’t press that  “Send” button just yet!  Not that I never send anything negative, but now I think very carefully before I do.   So, if you have anything negative to say, speak it carefully and thoughtfully directly to the individual involved.  Emails get analyzed between the lines to see what they really mean. They get forwarded (ouch!).   If you must send something confrontative or negative,  and you can’t do it face to face, make it your very last resort, try to write it in a manner that gives the individual room to disagree. Words like “it seems to me” or “perhaps” or “I understand I may not see this clearly” or “from my perspective this may…” are helpful in giving room to the reader/listener to receive your statements without forcing a reaction.   These words imply that there may be room to disagree and that you are being humble, understanding that you do not see the whole picture…. Trust me, you don’t and I don’t.  And try to say it with a smile!   (Proverbs 29.20 & James 1.19)

2.  If I have something to say that is negative, write it, and then let it “sit” for a day or two or a month.  Whatever time is required for you to think more soberly about the matter.   Then come back to your letter and rewrite it with your recipient’s perspective in mind.  Over the years it has proved helpful to write my thoughts down and save on my computer..  If I send or commit too early, I will probably regret it.  Mostly due to an emotional state that was not given time to “wind down.”   Time has a way of sobering you up and assists you becoming more merciful

3.   Get advice before sending.  Some things are better unsaid.   That may be the case.

4.  Remember Nahash!  Nahash was the Ammorite king who threatened to gouge out the right eye of all the men of Gad (1 Samuel 11.1-3).   We must remember that human nature is such that we relish cruelty albeit sometimes with cruel subtlety.

That Hahash should relish cruelty should not surprise us.  Nor is it the relic of an ancient, barbarous age.  Compare Joseph Stalin’s quip:  “to choose the victim, to prepare the blow with care, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then go to bed… there is nothing sweeter in the world”  … We can hardly expect otherwise from a race of depraved siners.  Most of us are far less bloody and far more refined in the kind of cruelty we inflict on others. (quoted from DR Davis, commentary on 1 Samuel, Focus on the Bible.)

So there you go.  Don’t burn any bridges. If you want a list of bridges I have burned, give me a call.

My life revolved around Dan.   We were buddies.  Life was really good.  I don’t think I had an insecure thought in my head.   i never considered what I may have been seen as in the eyes of others.  I had friends, unconditional friends…. like Dan.

Then came seventh grade my “innocence was carried away by the unforeseen.”  For some reason, we had not seen much of each other that summer.  I was so excited to  be reunited again at school.  And then came that fateful first day.  We sat down at lunch and I was so excited to see him,  ready to catch up on summer and begin a new year together.  I remember it so clearly….  He called me “butt lips.”!  And that was the last time Dan Nichols ever talked to me.  And my first experience with insecurity.  From that point on Dan was my nemesis, churning out contempt for me like a flood.

I discovered later that Dan’s father had taken the family into the back yard and shot himself.   How could I have missed that?  As a young boy, the experience of rejection overpowered any sense of compassion or understanding towards Dan.

I was too young to understand what happened.  I prayed the rosary.  At night I cried myself to sleep.  I talked to no one about it.  I had no one to go to.   My parents were oblivious to my loneliness and despair.

So by the eight grade it was easy to jump into the drug and party culture that provided me an escape from the soberness that with every morning haunted me with loneliness and insecurity.  I honestly thought that my friends -  and friends from that point on were somewhat tenuous and noncommittal anyway – were always mocking my lips and looks behind my back.

Although this was a very painful time in my life, I became aware of the emptiness that is the condition of every man.   Yet this insecurity ultimately led to my conversion to Christianity at seventeen.   I am so sad for Dan, yet this experience in my life was the loving providence of God drawing me to Him.  God also used this fundamental fear in me to preserve me from the sexual revolution that was exploding all around me and I was able to enter my marriage without the haunting memories of failure that so many of my generation has experienced.

Since my conversion, I have experienced many more painful times like business failures, dreadful accidents and disappointments.  Yet each one has opened a “door of opportunity” that would not have been possible without the “turn” that pain brings.

I lost track of Dan Nichols, but I think of him and pray for him regularly.  I hope to see him again and this time be able to love him unconditionally as my Savior did to me.  And to show him a man who also was cut off from his beloved father and experienced loss greater than any human being could ever experience.  And he did it for Dan and me.

This reminds me of the hope (I should call it something… for it is not really hope but a “backward glance”) that lingers in each of us (or maybe just us old folks)  for the return of the “good ol’ days.”  We call it Nostalgia.  I cannot think of a potentially more destructive and paralyzing “look.”.  And it can militate against all true biblical hope which is always focused on the future and promise….

I had a friend growing up through high school; my next door neighbor.  In order to avoid a public hearing scheduled for a drunk driving charge (mine, my friend was far too smart to get caught), we took off and for our junior summer, hitchhiked around the country.  That trip was hell for me.  For my friend, it was “heaven.”  The result…. I got saved and he became froze to the past like Hans Solo in Carbon Freezing.  25 years later, we got together and talked about our lives.  He was still frozen… Remarkably, what contrasted him from me was simply this: He looked back at that trip and said it was the high watermark of his life and he has lived ever since trying to “get it back.”  I reflected and gained insight.   The difference between him and me was the direction of our “look.”   In 1973 my life was transformed by Jesus Christ.  In “hope I was saved” and no longer was I held bondage to the past, but God gave me the forward look.  My friend,  still with the “backward glance,”  continues to try and “get it back.”

The truth is that nothing in this earth can finally satisfy us.  Much can make us content for a time, but nothing can fill us to the brim.  Not the past especially.  As Mark Twain spoke, “It’s characteristically human to remember a lot of things that never happened.”  and so my friend.  (Thanks Cornelius Platinga Jr.)

Let us take to heart the words of Erving:  Gentlemen, not one of your will ever see that place again…  The British never returned to Boston.  Neither can we return to the past, our hope is eternal and in that hope, we are changed and inflicted with Joy!  “Forgetting the past and reaching forward to the future and what lies ahead.”  Paul

As J.R.R. Tolkien put it…. Our final joy lies “beyond the walls of the world,”

(some will “take exception” to this. There are good memories, I know.  And there are always exceptions.  God’s faithfulness in our past is a powerful foundation and affirmation of His future Grace in our lives. My goal is to disclose the hopeless type of “backward glance” that leads to depression, guilt, resentment and anger in the present.   I will make a post about “taking exception” later, but you will have to wait. )