Here is another story for my kids….

My family did a lot of skiing at Mt. Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  I have such great memories of those weekends.  As good Catholics, we could not miss mass on Sunday without committing a mortal sin, so we would all march in to the local parish church for the early service with our “clodhopper” ski boots on and our shabby ski outfits,  ready to hit the slopes right after the 42 minute service.

On Saturday nights, in the old town of Bend, we would go to the cheap movies.  One of those nights, when I was about 11 years old, my two brothers and I were walking back from a movie.  As a car came driving by, someone yelled out some unknown expletive.  Being a smart*** myself,  I immediately I yelled something back.  At once the car spun around and came upon us. Three or four “red necks” jumped out and proceeded to beat up my brother while the two of us looked on.  I felt bad about that…. (Over time I must have imparted this gift to your mother, my wife: I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t feel good unless she feels bad about something. I love her!).

Well, ever since,  I’ve had a problem with talking (or sometimes yelling) too quickly. The problem migrates also into my emails.  I  have this intense addiction to rationalize much of my behavior while at the same time over analyzing any antagonist in order to find fault.  Then I am justified in taking an aggressive posture, which is usually not good.   This process usually concludes with a blasted email or voice mail; sometimes I  initiate an unnecessary debate and the end result is that I get beat up.  I lose. Or in some cases, like my brother in Bend, someone else loses…

So I have made a couple resolutions over the years with some modicum of success:

1.  Never immortalize anything negative in print.  Don’t press that  “Send” button just yet!  Not that I never send anything negative, but now I think very carefully before I do.   So, if you have anything negative to say, speak it carefully and thoughtfully directly to the individual involved.  Emails get analyzed between the lines to see what they really mean. They get forwarded (ouch!).   If you must send something confrontative or negative,  and you can’t do it face to face, make it your very last resort, try to write it in a manner that gives the individual room to disagree. Words like “it seems to me” or “perhaps” or “I understand I may not see this clearly” or “from my perspective this may…” are helpful in giving room to the reader/listener to receive your statements without forcing a reaction.   These words imply that there may be room to disagree and that you are being humble, understanding that you do not see the whole picture…. Trust me, you don’t and I don’t.  And try to say it with a smile!   (Proverbs 29.20 & James 1.19)

2.  If I have something to say that is negative, write it, and then let it “sit” for a day or two or a month.  Whatever time is required for you to think more soberly about the matter.   Then come back to your letter and rewrite it with your recipient’s perspective in mind.  Over the years it has proved helpful to write my thoughts down and save on my computer..  If I send or commit too early, I will probably regret it.  Mostly due to an emotional state that was not given time to “wind down.”   Time has a way of sobering you up and assists you becoming more merciful

3.   Get advice before sending.  Some things are better unsaid.   That may be the case.

4.  Remember Nahash!  Nahash was the Ammorite king who threatened to gouge out the right eye of all the men of Gad (1 Samuel 11.1-3).   We must remember that human nature is such that we relish cruelty albeit sometimes with cruel subtlety.

That Hahash should relish cruelty should not surprise us.  Nor is it the relic of an ancient, barbarous age.  Compare Joseph Stalin’s quip:  “to choose the victim, to prepare the blow with care, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then go to bed… there is nothing sweeter in the world”  … We can hardly expect otherwise from a race of depraved siners.  Most of us are far less bloody and far more refined in the kind of cruelty we inflict on others. (quoted from DR Davis, commentary on 1 Samuel, Focus on the Bible.)

So there you go.  Don’t burn any bridges. If you want a list of bridges I have burned, give me a call.